Jerry's Journal

  Hi Jerry, I haven't had valve replacement surgery yet, I'm a little bit down the road as far as surgery, but I have had a few other surgeries for other issues so I can relate to some of what you are saying. For me, I find that my emotions get completely out of whack and horrible angers kicks up when I get disappointed. Disappointment for me usually follows expectations that did not deliver. Such as you expected because of your age and fitness level, your recovery would be less complicated than someone who is older, chronically ill, less active and not very fit. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way. I have a 40 year friend who had Aortic Valve Replacement last year and he was very athletic and fit. His recovery took a long time and he had his share of complications. It happens. But the emotional part to me sounds like disappointment. I could be wrong, so forgive me if I am assuming too much. I can tell you though, that when I was in such a situation after my previous surgeries, it was a struggle. The more I thought I knew how things would go or should go and then they didn't, the angrier I became. I was angry at people for trying to help and I was angry at people for not helping, I was just plain old angry. And then I realized (with the help of a therapist) that I was angry at my body. I felt like my body let me down. I almost felt disconnected from it, as though it were my enemy. Now this might sound crazy but I had to really get back in tune with my body and stop thinking that it was an enemy or that it let me down so my therapist told me to think of all of the things I would like to thank my body for. At first, that only made me more angry. What's he crazy? Thank my body for this mess I'm in???? Well yeah, after a few weeks of getting more angry because even the therapist didn't understand, I realized that I can't keep being angry. So I made that list of things I wanted to thank my body for. It helped me survive Cancer, it carried me every single day whether my day was good or bad. I had all of my limbs and they all worked, it endured much abuse in my past and it stuck with me, and on and on the list went. I won't bore you with the list but it got quite long. So then I said to myself, what would my body say to me about how I'm feeling if it could talk? It would probably say, "Hey Karen, listen, I'm doing the best I can here, sorry you're so angry because it's not good enough or fast enough but I'm doing it and I'm doing it right so it doesn't have to be done again." And THAT Jerry is where it turned around for me.

OK, by now you're probably thinking, "Oh goodness, what a whack-a-doo this Karen is". But this was my experience and it helped me get out of the slump.

And one last thing. It's perfectly normal to get depressed during recovery. Your body and mind have gone through something big. Be patient with yourself. But if you are getting to that point, like I was, where I was getting angry at other people AND your own body, then talk to your doctor about that. Love yourself and love your body. It's not broken, it's healing.

I will keep you in my prayers Jerry. I hope you start to feel better soon....Karen.

Kenny Knox  Hey Jerry- Welcome! I too, thought I had an easier road because of my age and athletic background. That approach got me into some trouble. If you're just 4 weeks out and feeling good enough to be mad that you can't do more- well I'd say you're doing great! Recovery takes some time. Yes your background gives you the advantage but if you allow for the time to heal, I bet you'll feel better.

Eleanor R  Hi, Jerry. I am about 10 weeks out of surgery, and much older than you but I remember all the things that I still could not do so well at four weeks. You seem to be doing well, especially when you consider that you are just a month away from major surgery. I don't want to remind you, or myself, of what exactly happened to our bodies, the intervention, the probes, the medicines - all to our betterment, but actually a big deal. You body needs to catch up, and heal itself. Faster is not necessarily better, so as another community member was famous for saying "be patient with the patient". You will catch up to where you used to be, and you will probably exceed that, as well. That is what I hope for you, and for all of us. Best wishes. Eleanor

Liidia Wootten  Hi Jerry, Thank you for posting your thoughts because they are a huge help to me. It took your post to finally hit me that what I'm going through is normal, the anger, sadness, frustration and on and on. I'm 9 weeks away from Aortic valve replacement - not planned except when in the ER was told I'd die if they didn't do something immediately. I too am impatient with my recovery, even though people say I'm doing great, look great etc for only 9 weeks. Thank you for your honesty from the soul - I needed to hear it. I too stumbled onto this site a few weeks ago and was impressed, thinking I need these people, I need their input, wisdom and thoughts - something I never said before. I thank everyone who is here - you all are my lifeline and I think I'm turning the corner from a couple of horrible days. Not physical pain, but mental and emotional. Funny how out of the blue answers come - such is the higher power. Thank you. And, you will be ok.

Julia Hsu  Jerry, everyone's recovery journey is different. I am 4 months post surgery today. I feel much normal now than a month ago. Be patient with your body. Let it tell you what to do and what not to do. I am a type A person. I wanted to achieve these milestones, but recovery didn't work that way. BTW, I had a dry cough for quite a bit of time. It was painful and drained my energy. Looking back, I think it was caused by my walking too long when my body was not ready. Hope yours goes away soon. Rest, both your body and your mind. You will be back to the athlete you were, but not tomorrow. Julia Hsu

Jerry Kenney  Hi all; A special thanks to everyone for responding. I really appreciate your feedback/advice, and no Karen I don't think you're a whack-a-do :-)! Everyone here is correct. I need to change my mind-set, and stop with the pity party. I look at where I was just 4 weeks ago to where I am now...., so all is good in my world. I just got back from Cardiac rehab, I love it, just being with both the staff and patients puts all into perspective. I am the youngest in my group, there are several seniors who are recovering from surgery more severe than mine. Their positive attitudes, the way they attack their exercises with such passion, and just embracing life really puts it all into perspective, it is something to be around, I wish I could bottle it. Also as Kenny mentioned in his profile.... I now have a cool scar. Thanks again, I'll send updates with how mending goes, or just offer an ear to those who need it. I hope everyone has a grand day. Be well.