paula's Journal

Almost 4 years since my operation!! I'm really good, working hard to exercise and eat right. But since my operation I feel like I'm trying to live and be happy rather than living and being happy. I seem to spend a lot of time thinking about the past and how everyone let me work so hard because I was willing to. I never thought about this before my operation. It bothers me a lot. Really, how my own family let me work too hard. I just never thought about this before my operation!!!

Today is my two year anniversary of my open heart surgery!! i had planned on going to New York and returning to the hospital to visit the gift shop on the heart floor. When I had the operation and I was trying to walk after, I was using that big walker and tried to make it to the shop. I got within sight of it and I stopped. I panicked and returned to my room. I will go sometime and do that but a family party came up. I feel great and can do everything. I joined line dancing class, use a two mile exercise tape( had not exercised for 30 years) and can now go on trips with my family and not be afraid to walk up steps etc. That is the good part. However I feel different about my health since the operation. If I get any symptoms, I think I have something awful. These symptoms are not about my heart but something else. I get so scared but can get myself to calm down. Maybe it is my age -67- or just the fact that I actually did have a major operation. I feel so thankful for having a second chance that I love every day so much. So I just keep busy and if I panic about a symptom I have a talk with myself. I thank God and the Doctors and nurses for helping me to be here.

How I feel one and a half years after surgery Well I feel so thankful but that is not why I'm writing. If I did not have the experience of reading Adam's book, Heart Valve Surgery, the whole process would have been so much harder. He wrote so honestly that I said to myself several times during the operation, "Well if Adam could do it so could I." My main problem was worrying after the operation that I was going to get pneumonia. I felt like I was never breathing enough, ten times an hour was daunting to me. I convinced myself that I would get it. I was consumed with this! Even after I went home I still thought I would get it and then at a checkup it was found that I had some fluid around my lungs. Well that was all I needed. I felt like a failure and that I didn't try hard enough to breathe. But actually it wasn't pneumonia at all but a common thing after open heart surgery. I had weekly x-rays for two weeks and it went away on its own. So that is why I am writing to maybe help one person if they think this too. Actually if I knew ahead of time I'd just make sure I got the pneumonia shot before. Medically I am not that informed but just know that that was my experience! I wasted so much energy on this when I should have been so happy. But I am amazed at how easy recovery was if I wasn't so terrified. The pain was minimal. I took pain pills for only a few days. Walking was slow at first but as soon as I got my confidence back it was easy then. And if anybody reads this who is waiting for surgery, I want you to know that I was so jealous of everyone that was writing saying how well they did. I was almost mad because it was them and not me. But now I know the only way to get there is to go through it and try and stay positive. It is a wonderful thing these doctors are able to do for us. My best result is I can walk up hills in my neighborhood. Dr. David Adams and his team were so efficient and kind it was enjoyable actually. I never doubted from the first moment I met Dr. Adams at Mt. Sinai that I was in good hands. I thank God every day.

Hi, Feeling better today. (day 14) The feeling like crying is almost gone! Two things I\'d like to pass along that have been so helpful to me are my newly purchased remote lazyboy recliner and my grab and grip claw. The claw makes me feel independent. I can organize all my stuff without calling for help. Wish I brought it to the hospital..So best wishes to everyone. and tomorrow is another day. I never realized how agitated and impatient I am sometimes. Working on that.

Well I had my operation on June 28 so this is day 12 of recovery. It is going pretty well. I cry a lot. I think it is because I am happy but am not sure. Wow! a lot harder than I thought the recovery would be. You just never think you can\'t do certain things like stay up all day or get your meal or wash the floor. I am so happy and thankful to God to be here. However it will take great effort on my part to keep trying and I am discouraged sometimes. I must say pain is the least of my problems. I am having a harder time staying positive. So hope my next entry is more upbeat.

Well today is Sunday and my birthday. 65 years old!!!! so in 2 days I leave for New York. Going one day early for pre admission tests. Now I just hope everything on the tests turns out ok and I can get the surgery on Thursday. Guess today I am kind of numb. Staying strong for my family. I think if any of us panics then we all will so we are all trying really hard to be upbeat. so i will write again when I can. My family is husband Neil, daughters Maggie and Liz and son Bill. ages 33 to 27.

hi, Only 6 days til my operation. I can\'t wait if only to have it over so people can stop with the opinions. I mean people who have never had the operation not my wonderful friends from this journal. Today my husband asked if I want him to bring his mother\'s cane for me. I almost killed him. I told him bring it if he needs it. I plugged in my mini refrigerator for the upstairs. ( I always wanted a mini frig upstairs). My daughter gave me a healing tape and a relaxing tape. I\'m keeping an open mind and listening. So hope everybody is doing well.

Hi, My mind can only think of the day. June 28th only 12 more days. I am glad. The thinking about it is hard. now I am getting clothes together etc for the hospital. I am happy to hear the good news about many of you. I am waiting to panic but I haven\'t yet. I am not reading a good book right now to take up my free time when I start to think, so I\'d better get out to the bookstore. Instead of reaching out to others I am retreating into myself. It feels safer. I did go to the ballet with my daughter in nyc where I will have my surgery done, and that was wonderful. Saw firebird. so just needed to write. I realize I said nothing but somehow it helped because I know you know how I feel.

Well I have 27 days til surgery. Really I wish it would be tomorrow. However, I will try and stay very busy and then it will be easier to wait. I am somewhere in between feeling like recovery will be impossible and maybe I\'ll be the one that will not have it bad at all. I know that it will not be easy but there is that crazy hope that it will be easy. So, somewhere in between these two would be great!! I am pretty much over the panic and resigned to the fact that I need surgery now. So I am glad to join this site and make some new friends with similar problems.